Father O\u2019Malley, Reverend Jenkins, and Rabbi Goldstein had been arguing for nearly three hours.<\/p>\n
Not politely either.<\/p>\n
This was full-volume, finger-pointing, coffee-spilling religious competition.<\/p>\n
The tiny diner waitress had already refilled their mugs four times and was now openly listening because honestly?<\/p>\n
It was getting entertaining.<\/p>\n
Father O\u2019Malley slapped the table dramatically.<\/p>\n
\u201cCatholicism has converted millions!\u201d<\/p>\n
Reverend Jenkins scoffed.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh please.
\nYou people use guilt and casseroles.\u201d<\/p>\n
Father O\u2019Malley gasped.<\/p>\n
\u201cAt least we don\u2019t have rock bands and fog machines in church!\u201d<\/p>\n
Rabbi Goldstein calmly buttered his toast while the other two spiraled toward theological combat.<\/p>\n
Then Jenkins leaned forward smugly.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy congregation grew by forty-two members this year alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
Father O\u2019Malley crossed his arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cQuantity doesn\u2019t equal quality.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rabbi Goldstein sighed deeply.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou two sound like divorced parrots.\u201d<\/p>\n
That somehow made them even more competitive.<\/p>\n
Finally Reverend Jenkins slammed his hand down.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s only ONE way to settle this.\u201d<\/p>\n
The waitress paused nearby holding pancakes.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh this should be good.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jenkins pointed dramatically toward the forest visible beyond the diner parking lot.<\/p>\n
\u201cEach of us goes into those woods\u2026
\nfinds a wild bear\u2026
\nand converts it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Silence.<\/p>\n
Even the waitress blinked.<\/p>\n
Father O\u2019Malley slowly nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026Honestly that\u2019s insane enough to feel fair.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rabbi Goldstein narrowed his eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou two understand bears are not emotionally available for religious discussion, yes?\u201d<\/p>\n
Too late.<\/p>\n
The challenge was accepted.<\/p>\n
One week later, they agreed to meet again.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately\u2026<\/p>\n
they met at Saint Mary\u2019s Hospital.<\/p>\n
Because apparently things had not gone smoothly.<\/p>\n
Father O\u2019Malley arrived first.<\/p>\n
His arm hung in a sling.
\nThree claw marks stretched across his forehead.
\nHis pants looked emotionally destroyed.<\/p>\n
Reverend Jenkins stared.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood Lord.\u201d<\/p>\n
Father O\u2019Malley winced sitting carefully in a chair.<\/p>\n
\u201cI found a massive grizzly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
The priest straightened proudly despite obvious pain.<\/p>\n
\u201cI approached peacefully.
\nRead scripture aloud.
\nSprinkled holy water.\u201d<\/p>\n
The waitress from the diner had apparently followed this entire saga because she stood nearby openly eating popcorn.<\/p>\n
Father O\u2019Malley continued:<\/p>\n
\u201cThe bear objected initially.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cINITIALLY?\u201d Jenkins shouted.<\/p>\n
Father O\u2019Malley ignored him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere was\u2026 resistance.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean MAULING.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTemporary spiritual hesitation.\u201d<\/p>\n
Eventually, after a lengthy struggle involving a tree, a riverbank, and what doctors described as \u201csurprisingly aggressive evangelism,\u201d Father O\u2019Malley claimed the bear finally calmed down.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd now?\u201d Jenkins asked.<\/p>\n
Father O\u2019Malley smiled proudly.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s baptized.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nobody asked how he confirmed this.<\/p>\n
Then Reverend Jenkins stood dramatically.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell MY experience was even more powerful.\u201d<\/p>\n
He lifted his pant leg revealing a giant cast.<\/p>\n
The priest blinked.<\/p>\n
\u201cSweet merciful heaven.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jenkins nodded solemnly.<\/p>\n
\u201cI found an even larger bear.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course you did,\u201d muttered the waitress.<\/p>\n
Jenkins ignored her.<\/p>\n
\u201cI preached passionately.
\nLOUDLY.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy loudly?\u201d asked the priest.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause faith should be heard!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat bear definitely heard SOMETHING,\u201d the waitress whispered.<\/p>\n
Jenkins continued proudly:<\/p>\n
\u201cAt first the bear attacked me viciously.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t say.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut eventually\u2026 he dropped to his knees and accepted salvation.\u201d<\/p>\n
Father O\u2019Malley frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026Bears don\u2019t really kneel.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jenkins looked offended.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell THIS one spiritually lowered itself.\u201d<\/p>\n
The waitress snorted soda through her nose.<\/p>\n
Then suddenly all three looked toward the final hospital bed near the window.<\/p>\n
Rabbi Goldstein.<\/p>\n
Or rather\u2026<\/p>\n
what remained of him.<\/p>\n
The man was wrapped in enough bandages to resemble a religious mummy.<\/p>\n
Full body cast.
\nNeck brace.
\nTwo IV bags.
\nMachines beeping rhythmically nearby.<\/p>\n
Even his eyebrows looked injured.<\/p>\n
Father O\u2019Malley crossed himself instinctively.<\/p>\n
\u201cDear God.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jenkins whispered:<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened to YOU?\u201d<\/p>\n
Rabbi Goldstein slowly turned his head approximately half an inch.<\/p>\n
Painfully.<\/p>\n
Then sighed.<\/p>\n
\u201cLooking back\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
The entire room leaned closer.<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026I probably should not have started with circumcision.\u201d<\/p>\n
Silence.<\/p>\n
Absolute silence.<\/p>\n
Then the waitress dropped the popcorn bucket laughing so hard she physically slid down the wall.<\/p>\n
Father O\u2019Malley wheezed.<\/p>\n
Jenkins nearly passed out.<\/p>\n
And somewhere deep in the woods\u2026<\/p>\n
one extremely traumatized bear probably still flinched every time it saw a rabbi.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Father O\u2019Malley, Reverend Jenkins, and Rabbi Goldstein had been arguing for nearly three hours. Not politely either. This was full-volume, finger-pointing, coffee-spilling religious competition. The tiny diner waitress had already … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":44959,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-44958","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-read-storay"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/storytv9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44958","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/storytv9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/storytv9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storytv9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storytv9.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=44958"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/storytv9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44958\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":45014,"href":"https:\/\/storytv9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44958\/revisions\/45014"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storytv9.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/44959"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/storytv9.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=44958"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storytv9.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=44958"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storytv9.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=44958"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}